Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
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F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.