ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
that de-escalated quickly
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.