me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
an octopus is just a wet spider
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun