ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.