ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
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She puts the hot in psychotic
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
This is my favorite one of these!
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.