ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.