Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

what?

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture