Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
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[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
How dude HOW?!
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me