Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable