me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
You Might Also Like
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*