Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.