ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”