ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral