ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10