me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don鈥檛 think my toilets can taste the difference.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I鈥檝e had worse
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Me trying to look natural in photos
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 馃槀
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
what鈥檚 wrong babe? you haven鈥檛 touched your shrekfast yet
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
OK, I鈥檓 ready for Senior Mints now.
I wasn鈥檛 craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it鈥檚 on sale.
If I fall of this roof cause I鈥檓 tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.