Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know