ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.