me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
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My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.