Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Thursday Thought.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Netflix: We have Less
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.