Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
constantly working on myself.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
A Short Story.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.