Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
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Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
“I FIXED IT!”
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..