me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
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If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*