Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
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My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
cat vs inanimate object