Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
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Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Sponch
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?