Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
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My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow