@GABBYdaAngSaya

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

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@bombscribe

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

@BizarreLazar

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

@Social_Mime

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

@WilliamAder

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

@Brampersandon_

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

@TheMockingMama

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

@TheHyyyype

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

@pleatedjeans

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN