If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
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SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN