Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

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If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.


Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.


Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?


I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.


ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude


Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals


[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times


[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!