ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
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My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.