me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
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me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Pat is about to own someone
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
my mom making me talk to relatives
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
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8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?