Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
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If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I love you…
…r dog.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
When you’re here for the treats.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.