me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
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By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”