me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
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Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?