Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?