ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
You Might Also Like
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested