Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
The first one, obviously
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?