Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.


When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.


After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt


I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.


Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.


One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.


I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!


[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.