Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
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My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’