Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
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Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.