Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.