Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes