Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
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Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.