me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
DOOO EEEET
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters