Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Fries, not lies.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.