Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
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BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.