me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?