Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
You Might Also Like
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
No regrets in 2018
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.