ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
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Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
SCARY COSTUME
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying