ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
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LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.