Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
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Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
What’s so funny?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.