me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*