Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert