Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
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Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
This made me chuckle.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care