me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.