Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
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Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I need to get some bricks…
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…