Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
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I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
🛁
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.